Irritated

So last night I planned to do a yard sale for this morning since my neighbors were having one. I spent about an hour pulling things together in the garage for the morning before heading in for the night. After a shower I watched a movie with my hubby while I laid down with a heating pad. The pain just kept getting worse and worse till I was in tears. I ended up crying myself to sleep since I couldn't get any relief from the medicine I took or the heating pad. I didn't get up to do my garage sale or do anything til about 9:00 that morning. I work up with my fingers hurting really bad. I moved slow today but didn't hurt to badly the rest of the day today. I get so frustrated because the pain gets so bad sometimes and I can't seem to do anything to make it go away. I pray and I try to relax but nothing seems to help. The heat and medicine don't  help sometimes either and I am tired of my doctor say to just lose weight because when I was in high school I used to hurt this bad and was under weight. I know I need to lose weight but that is not going to cure this. So what do I do from here? How do I live with this the rest of my life? I am praying for the answers to those questions.

Amazed at what I cannot do anymore or at least with out pain

Yesterday I spent the day in my laundry room sorting laundry, cleaning and organizing. It took me hours to get it all done and then I cleaned my room and put laundry away there too. On top of all this I had all the kids home and had to keep an eye on them as well as make meals and do a few dishes. I was sore by the end of the day but not overly sore till night time. I went to bed in pain and tossed and turned all night. Once I woke up with my hands hurting so badly and another time I woke up and my leg was numb. I slept so badly and could barely move today. I took some Advil this morning about six and went back to bed. The boys woke me up about 9;30 and it took me another hour to make it out of bed. Since I was determined to get more done today I made some coffee and got some breakfast before working on the office area. I worked on that while watching Hoarders on the laptop. It really helps me want to get rid of things and what happens when people put too much value on things. I don't want to place too much value on things and forget about what is important. I see the kids and spouses of these people who place too much value on things. They feel that they aren't as important and also have to live in the mess that is the result. I know that most times it is a result of deep hurt or loss but it is very sad on the people around them none the less. Today I got quite a bit done even though I was hurting and tired. I pushed through til 2 and then sat in a hot bath hoping to soak away some of the pain. I don't understand why God allows me this pain but I can't let it stop me altogether. I do need to not work quite so hard but it is not always that I have the energy to do it. The other day I was so tired I couldn't stay awake much of the day but then was up most of the night. I am trying to work when I have the energy so I don't have as much to do when I am hurting and tired. I am learning what I can do and what I can't and also that my kids need to help more. Not just to help me but to help themselves. They need to learn to take care of themselves so they can be productive human beings when they are older. I don't expect them to do everything for themselves because the are still young. I want them to help each other as well. I help them with more things than I should because sometimes it is easier to do it myself. I am learning that it will take more patience on my part but it is needed. I know I have gotten off on a tangent but it is important for me to raise young men that can take care of themselves and one day a family.

Some days I worry

Some days I have really good days where I can get up and not hurt. I get lots done and feel like a normal person but then I have other days; Days I feel awful. I wake up and I feel so sore and tired. I can barely move and it takes all my energy to get through the day. I still get up and get my kids off to school, play with the little one who doesn't go to school or doesn't go all day. I still do my grocery shopping, run my errands and try and keep a clean house. Some days it doesn't look like I have done much but everyone is healthy, happy and fed which is more than some peoples kids can say. I still worry that people think I am lazy. It's not lazy when you are using all your strength to power through the day and still keep everyone going. I know back in the day stay at home mom's used to have spotless houses and well mannered kids but I am not sure how they did it or remember all the bad times. I feel like if my house is not spotless people think I have failed. Some people say don't worry about it but you can't not worry about your house because they it gets horrible and everyone is unhappy. I want my house clean enough to be comfortable and messy enough to be comfortable. Thankfully the kids are old enough to help out now. I want to teach them to help out while they are still young but not make them do too much to take away their childhood either. It's a hard balance. I think if you put enough of the fun in to balance out the chores then you are on your way. We have been reading the magic tree house books, we are going to do some cooking this summer and we are working on art projects too. We will do some science projects and some writing stuff too!






















































































































































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New outlook

So I am trying to get a new outlook on my life. I have been really down and really bitter lately. I don't think that is good for me or my family so I will try something new. I had one week that I was in so much pain I was in tears most of the day. I also had one day that I had withdraws from my medication that I couldn't get out of bed because the room wouldn't stop spinning. During these times I would cry out to God" why me" and " please take this away". So far God has not taken it away and I am working on a new outlook. I know he gave me this for a reason and I know that there are people more hurt and it could always be worse. I don't mean to be a whiner. This is what I am dealing with and it helps me to talk about it or at least I think it will.  Job had a really hard time in his life. He lost his whole family ( except his wife), all his servants and all his animals( which were his livelihood). I still have a lot of family and even though we don't live really close to them they are there when I need them. I am thankful I haven't really had anyone close to me die in a long time. I don't have any servants so that isn't something I am missing and the only animal I have had that died was a English bulldog that was part of the family but since he was not our livelihood. Considering all he lost I should be thankful for what I have.  He did finally cry out to God after he got boils all over his body. I feel his pain there because I have gotten quite a few boils in my life and they are not fun. Lately I am having lots of nerve pain that is painful when touched but not a bruise and it moves around day to day. I know that Job went through all of this and never cursed God even when his wife and friends told him too. I am trying to be life Job and take the bad with the good.

A little more about me

I am a mom with three sweet little boys! They are ages,10,7,and 5. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me very much. He is a great husband and father. He is also in the Coast Guard. It was only recently told to me that I have Fibromyalgia though I have been living with pain since I was a junior is high school. I am now in my thirties and finally know why but still don't know how to deal with it. When I was younger I had x rays, blood tests and physical therapy but nothing worked. Even though I was in pain I was a pretty active person and have been up until a couple of years ago. I was even a little on the hyper side in my teens. I loved being active and play sports even though I only played on a team one year in high school.
 After high school I worked and went to a community college until I married the man of my dreams. Funny thing is he is someone I have always known but he was older than me so we never though of each other that way till i was out of high school. We have been married almost 13 years now and even though we have our ups and downs he is always there for me.
My Fibromyalgia didn't get bad until a couple years ago. After two not so pleasant years in Florida we moved to Novato California for my husband's Job. Moving with the military is never fun and with a cross country trip with three boys things were kinda crazy. We moved into a three story town house that was built in the 1930's and got the boys enrolled in the school they were to go to. I noticed that after I would walk the boys to school I would come home, turn on the tv for the little guy and crash out on the couch next to him. Thankfully he was quite well behaved and loved to cuddle on the couch with me or play on the floor near me. The house was a pain because the only bathroom was on the third story so you had to go up and the washer and dryer were on the first level. So to get anything done I was going  up and down stairs all day long. I started getting more and more pain in my legs and knees and more and more tired. The doctor that I had been assigned to told me that Fibromalgia was something people would diagnose you with they couldn't figure out what was wrong with you. We tried a few different things for depression but they didn't seem to help with the fatigue or the pain. I was so tired I almost fell asleep driving home from MOPS one day. My doctor said that if my depression symptoms were better not to worry about it. I couldn't believe it. After he told me that he couldn't prove that I was in pain I left his practice and found  a new doctor. She started treating me for fibromyalgia and put my on Cymbolta.  At first I was doing a lot better but I am having more bad days than good. I am not writing this blog to complain but to explain and figure out where to take this journey next. One thing I found helpful in my bible today was a passage in Job that says" Shall we accept only good at the hand of God and not accept the misfortune...? Job was a man  who lost everything but his wife who tired to get him to curse God and die and his friends who weren't very helpful either. I know I am not the only one who is going through rough times. There are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. I try and remember that when I am feeling sorry for myself. What are your thoughts?